Heart of Relationships: Part 2

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

This podcast is brought to you by Sage Hill, a social impact organization. Our mission is to help people be who they're made to be so that they can do what they're made to do. Find more resources to live fully, love deeply, and lead well at sagehillresources.com. The two greatest needs of the human being is the need to belong and the need to matter. Not food, water, shelter, and clothing. Children give up the need for food, water, shelter, and clothing all the time to belong and matter. Children in abusive situations, home lives, will cling to the abusive parent to stay and the inability to not be able to dissociate fully from you're made to care about me and I'm made to be with you. My nurturance for life comes from you. And if you don't do it, then where will I go? I'll die. But it doesn't make any sense because there's food, water, shelter, and clothing, safety, warmth, somewhere else, away from this person who's burning you or harming you or kicking you. So I want you to know that child's not being irrational. That child is being who God made that child to be. So but it's illogical. So the way we're created is illogical according to man's standards. But it's very rational based upon God's creation. The need to belong is the need to be accepted, appreciated, and cared for as you are. Jesus said called a child to him and said, Unless you change and become like one of these, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. To such as these, I have come. Unless you have faith like a child, you can't enter the kingdom of heaven. It's like, poo. Jesus was really big on how we were made. So the need to belong is the need to be affirmed for how you're created. Somebody say yes to your tears, yes to your hurt, yes to your loneliness, yes to your celebration, less yes to your thrill, yes to your heartache, yes to your anger, yes to, I don't like God. It's raining, and I can't play baseball. Like, what? And I can't remember when when I talked about William today. I've talked about tension before, but I remember William said he was literally he said, dad, I don't believe in God. But I don't I can't see God. I believe in you. Like, okay. She you can see you. Like I said, oh, no. You've gotta believe in God. Because I was scared. You know, you gotta believe in God. Just because you can't doesn't mean you can't believe it's just like, okay. Scary. It's like, there's God. Like, you can't see your mom right now. She's not in the room with us right now. But do you believe your mom loves you? Yes. Is she in there? Yes. Then do you believe in mom? Yes. But, dad, I've seen mom. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well In other words, it wasn't gonna be anything I could say. I just need to be with him while he was doing that. It's okay to have questions. You belong with me anyway. But I turned his questions in my mind to when he's 18 and when he's 29 and what's gonna happen to him. He was five. I mean, bam, we went to the future past in my mind. You know? I was scared. I wanted to stop him, but instead, I had the willingness to listen pay attention to my feelings so my feelings didn't become his harm. Anyway so the need to belong is to be affirmed for how you're made. The need to matter is to be affirmed for what you bring. Because not only were nine 99.9 the same, we're point o 1% unique, different. Look around the room. Even twins who are known by people look different. I remember the first time I first met these twins when I was at Swanee, Harry and Larry. It's like, I I didn't know them apart. And then Harry and Larry is, like, so obvious. I can see my mind now. It's like, who would ever think they look alike? Once we got to know them, you see? So everybody brings that which is they're made to sort of focus on desire, be interested in. You know, I worked construction, never could read a blueprint. I I delivered this and never could care. It's like but when I fell into this wild, crazy field, it's like what I was always made like. You know, when I was on the construction crew, I was wondering how they wound up where they were relationally with that person. You know, nail in nails going like, what's he doing? You know? I was like hanging out. The need for touch is a language. Okay. Touch is a powerful language and it literally feeds a human being. It's it's Touch are the words of life that feed the heart. There's a thing called failure to thrive syndrome. Romanian orphanages back in the with, I can't remember the leader. There's just disastrous children abandoned like crazy. All these children were in the orphanages, and it was just a repeat of proving what we already knew. But the children were taken care of. They were custodially cared for. Now this is gonna be important. I want you all this is amazing. Custodially cared for. They were fed. They were watered. And they let the sun hit them. Okay? The diapers were changed. They were fed. Put back in the crib. Boom. Go boom. Go boom. Too many to do any otherwise. So they were cared about. They're provided for. Provided for quite well, actually. Okay? And they didn't grow. The children wouldn't grow. It's called failure to thrive syndrome. They did not grow. They could be five and six and look like they're two. Now many of us in this room would say, I got all my needs met growing up because my parents provided for me. Making sure that you were custodially cared for. Well, you get the same thing in prison. Three meals, clothes, a roof, a bed, and somebody whose structure. I'm being ridiculous. But this idea that how grateful I am because I was provided for is not gratitude because cows do that. So do possums. Those possums I was talking about, they care for their young. They provide for them. But they cannot nor do they give what we can give to each other. That is God created. So the idea that if you're truly cared for, it means that your heart is touched. And what's amazing is that we're all hungry to literally be touched in proper ways. Like, I'm not gonna go back to Frank, but if I walk up to Frank and I say, Hey, Frank. Thanks for doing that. Thank you. And do a shoulder right here. Somewhere inside of him he'd go, You're welcome, Chip. Thank you. And I'm not just touching his shoulder. I'm also affirming his need for touch. The need to be cared about, the need to be secure, the need to be affirmed, the need to belong, the need to matter, the need to be appreciated, the need to be recognized. Right? But if I take my hand and I take my hand and goes, hey, Frank. Thank you. And I go like this. So if it's what do you Frank might freeze. Like, okay. Frank, you may finally say what you said. Yes. I'll tell you now, buddy. Okay. But guys, what did I do? What happened? I'm just touching Frank. Too long? Well, what if I just like this? Same length of time. There's something else. Too long. To what? What's creepy? Too much skin, not shirt. See, and you're right on it. See, you're what? Inappropriate. What? Inappropriate. What? Inappropriate. What? Intimate. Too intimate, as you mean like, sexual. You know, like, oh, yo, I said sexual. You went So what I'm saying is y'all knew. And I'm telling you that when Frank was four, he did too. We're endowed with a language of recognition. It's amazing. But if you're in a scary situation and you're not allowed to use your heart to acknowledge the touch, you have to silence your heart and your needs appear to be met, but they're not. But your need for touch is so powerful that we need to be touched. It's like, wow. And then we'll blame ourselves for getting touched. And a lot of times that touch is wrong, harm against us. It's amazing how sexual abuse victims will blame themselves for being sexually abused. Heart, encouraged. Hey, man, you did so good. It like, you really think I did good? You did great. Like, you really think I did great? You did great. That's being touched. I'm asking to be touched. Touch me here. Touch me there. Touch me there. If touch doesn't touch the heart, then it's abusive. You cannot give what you do not have. It's amazing. So we have a need to greed. We have a need for touch, safety, security. Need for security is to be able to be yourself where you are without harm. Okay? The need to be yourself where you are without harm. To, to be that. We need to be able to go to God to be that and have our security in there. I can tell you anything, anytime, anywhere. God says, you bet you can. Anytime, anywhere. It's this first Peter five cast all of your anxieties upon him because he cares for you. Anything it's translated, anything that bothers you, bothers me. That's God. Anything bothers you bothers me. Guess what? Wives, husbands, anything that bothers you bothers me. Guess what? Children, parents, anything bothers you bothers me. Hey, friends, anything that bothers you bothers me. I love because he first loved me. So I want you to know that the need for security and safety And I'd love to get together with all you guys to talk about men and women, that we're different, but, well, not today. The need for attention. Attention means to be tended to. At about age 12, most people think they're done with it. If you need attention at the age of 12, you're not growing up fast enough. Do you get what I'm saying? At what age did you think your need for attention was kind of something you needed to get over? Okay? At certain age, I want you to know this. Listen to the wildness of this. Attention means to be tended to. Right? The greater your service, the more you need to be nurtured, tended to. Grown ups need more attention than children. Grown ups. Because grown ups jobs are to take care of children. Now think about on the airlines, what do they say? In a crisis, the air masks drop, take the mask if you're traveling with children and put it over your own face first and then over the face of your child. You need to be attended to first and then take care of your child. Because if you're in chaos and crisis, you don't know where your security is coming from, you don't know what your needs are, you don't have a community system to rely on other people, you will try to use this child, or you'll try to do something you won't take care of this child. So are you good at getting attention? Are you good at being nurtured? Are you good at asking like, you know what? I need some time to just sit and think.