A Parent's Role: Affirm and Confirm

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

You're listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. Sage Hill is a social impact organization that helps people see who they are made to be so they can do what they're made to do. You're all in, that's joy. It's not about winning and losing anymore, it's about going. You're all in. You can't lose if you go. You you're always losing if you never do, if you never show up. It's wild. And children doing that children are doing that by birth. I'm telling you. Children come out of the womb. They come out of the womb with faith and work and courage. Children come out of the womb with courage, which is called full hearted participation. Listen, a child can't do any be all in. You have to smack a child around for them to start giving up how they're born. Right? Smack around, I mean, you know, tell them about it is what it is instead of it's not going to be what it's made to be, but we're going to live it anyway. That's So a child is born with courage, full hearted participation. I didn't say they're born with perfection. They're born clumsily with courage. They expect all these incredible things to happen that aren't going to happen. And they give their hearts to it, failure after failure. And they don't quit until somebody tells them not to cry about it. They're failure. So they're born with this full hearted participation. Children are also born. Children love work. Now work means giving your hands, your head, and your heart to something. That's true. I mean, they they get on to something and they stay on it. Right? And until they they're like, I don't want peanut butter and jelly right now. I want to finish this. Like, they they're on it. And they'll do all kinds of stuff to go get more stuff to put on it. You know, coloring something or doing something, building something with sticks, or whatever it happens to be. They they persist working towards bringing mama to them, working to bring daddy to them. They give their hands, their head, and their heart. They're artists. They work. But when work, it gets translated, put your heart aside, it becomes labor.

See, when when when I keep coming back to physicians, but when a physician simply becomes a doctoring person, it's a doctoring person. It's a doctoring person. It's a doctoring person. It's a doctoring person. It's a doctoring person. It simply becomes a doctoring person, they lose work, and even something as magnificent as that becomes labor. Labor is where you put your hands in your head, get out of there. Because you didn't take care of yourself. Your youngest son's face was just crushed in in a baseball accident. And a center fielder and left fielder just collided, knocked him out. Sonya was there. I wasn't there. It was a preseason game that was working. And he she said he was out, like, three minutes just lying there on the field just not playing. And then coach comes out to he comes to he's trying to fight the coach. And, anyway, finally get him over to the doctor, the the doctor for the team. Great physician. Gets him over to, Vanderbilt. Position. And she says, look, you settle in. I'll be back in an hour and fifteen minutes. I'm gonna go work out or have something to I'm like, go. Loved it. And in an hour and fifteen minutes, she came back in there. She skirt, pomp, blouse, hair and a burn, and just like I was just like falling in love. And not with her, but what she brought. I knew I had a great doctor because she said, I can't be with the patient right now. Do an hour and fifteen minutes so I'm going to be a better doctor. I'm like, I loved it. And I've had people say, You did not. That's not true. You didn't let Yes, I did. Like, I know what it means. You give me You put your heart in it. I'm going to get everything. But if I'm trying to drag your heart into it, I'll get less or almost nothing. Do you know? It's a she was down in the morning. I mean, it's like, just let go. Get oh, wherever. How how can I help her go to wherever she needs to go if I can do it? I mean, I just what can I do? You know? She was wonderful. Left him there in pain, waiting it out. She couldn't fix it. Attend to it. Wait with him. You gotta be a pain yourself. I'm not his daddy. Ain't that something? I I was just amazed. I loved it. I've been working with physicians so long. It's like like, give me your best, not your leftovers. Go home. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll get your best. So and children also are born with faith. They're sure of what they hope for and they're certain of what they do not see. Mama, daddy, tell you what, I believe in you. Now, come on. Let's go. Show me. Show me what I do not see. I do not see yet how much you love me. I do not see where all you're gonna take me. I take me. I know you will. I know you want to. And I'm sure of what I hope for. I'm certain what I do not see. Now the ancients were commended for it. Show me how to live in this tragic place, because I'm about to find out it's going to be really bad, It's going to be bad, But you're not going to leave, right? You're not going to leave me nor forsake me. Right? Right, right, right, right. Because if you don't leave me and forsake me, I'm I don't have anywhere else to go. But if I have to find somewhere else to go, I gotta go away from me. And I gotta hide me from you. I don't wanna be that ashamed. Come on. Come on. Let me work. Let me have faith. Let me keep my courage. That's the spiritual root system in a nutshell. Because these feelings, a wake and needs, the two most powerful needs, the need to belong and the need to matter, they're the connector needs. K. The need to belong means to be accepted as I am. Like, how I was born to be like this is what you're looking for. K. Belong. And then secondly, the need to matter. What I bring based upon how I made, you really want to help access and grow it. Whether it's, let's just say, musical ability or or interest in art or mechanics, whatever it happens to be. I belong and matter to you. K? That's called food to the child. The feelings, I want to be with you. I I want to belong and matter to you. When a parent says, you belong to me. You belong with me. That's called affirmation. A A parent's job is extraordinarily simple, but we live in a very complex place. So it's gonna be messed up all over the place. But a child says, I need to belong, and you say, you do. Affirmation means yes. And all you're saying yes to is how you're made. You're made to feel these things. You're made to need these things. It's okay. So affirmation is yes and confirmation. That's the second thing that a parent does to meet the essential awakened needs of a child. Affirm and confirm. Affirmation is yes. Confirmation is yes yes. It's a double affirmation. Yes, you belong. Yes, you matter. I'm here face to face. I'm bringing empathy to your condition, raise you to leave me, because I'm willing to have a broken heart. If I'm not willing to have a broken heart, and have a broken heart. Have joy. Because, ah, you get to go. And, ah, you're going. Mess it up so much. You see? I want to do it again because I want to do it again. I want another go at it. No. No. So I want to raise you to leave me. Separation. It's an invitation for you to hurt me, so I can love you. It's like, good God. I want to grow you up into a person who could keep heart. I want to grow your courage, your work ethic, and your faith. And it happens to yes, Now, so the most powerful thing that we as parents or a parent or a child can give the parent, is can give the parent is the parents willingness to seek forgiveness. Like, hey, I messed up. And the parents willingness to seek cooperation. Now forgiveness, you kind of get. Okay? Like, yeah, I messed up. I'm guilty. I'm sorry. But to elicit cooperation, this is what you do. It's like, hey, need to let you know something. This is my first time through life too. It's probably scary for you to hear that. What death is. Okay? You see? That's a reference point. That's a context. Okay. So, it's like, this is my first time through life. I'm practicing too. I don't know how to do it either. I just know I'm gonna do it. So I need your help. I don't need you to be the daddy. I don't need you to be the mama. I just need you to keep telling me what it's like to be you. And I need you to know that I'm struggling too, but we're gonna do this together. I just had to be bigger. That's a beautiful way for the grown up to point the child to God, and for the parent to get out of the God business.

This is Stephen James, the executive director of Sage Hill Counseling. Thanks for listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. Sometimes in life, we get stuck or blocked or reach an impasse. At times like these, an intensive short term therapy could help you overcome what's keeping you from the growth and changes you desire. At Sage Hill Counseling, we offer therapeutic incentives to help couples gain new momentum in their recovery process. If you wanna find out more, please visit sagehillcounseling.com.