Step 1 - Admitted We Were Powerless

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

You're listening to the Sage Hill podcast on addiction with Dr. Chip Dodd and Phil Herndon. This is a new weekly podcast recorded at the Center for Professional Excellence. Welcome in to the CPE podcast. I'm Phil Herndon, clinical director of the Center for Professional Excellence, to JourneyPure in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, along with our founder executive director, Chip Dodd. Hello, Chip. Hey, Phil. We do a lot of talk at CPE, obviously. A lot of work Yeah. Around good old fashioned recovery. And with some of the finest people you and I have ever met. Without a doubt. There's no doubt. There's no doubt. Oh, listen. That's the truth, isn't it? My goodness. The I mean, even as you and I taught stories Oh. That the guys know we know, I mean, from, you know, North Carolina Oh, man. Memphis, Tennessee Yes. Mississippi, Canada. I mean Alaska. Alaska. Great stories that did great memories, guys. I mean, what you might remember as, perhaps even embarrassing or even sad to you, we we really do let go of whatever you call embarrassing, and Mhmm. We really do bury in our hearts in a good way or treasure trove in our hearts of of seeing life come back and Oh, man. Some of the humor and the stories that you guys have and have told and we've experienced with you. And so

I get pictures on my phone of, you know, daddies and daughters and daddies and sons. Yeah. And I think, you know, your your your there's a time when your daddy, could not have done this. True. This meaning life True. With you and True. You know, a guy a guy, before we moved from Murph Nashville to Murfreesboro with JourneyPure, the a guy came by. He he was he was dropping his son off at, at at a college, local university. And, it it, he was four when, he came to CPE. So here here we are, you know, fifteen years later. Mhmm. And, he's telling me his daughter's married and just just going through things. He just said, just dropping by just to catch up. But catching up was fifteen years of living. And then he did comment, you know, without the recovery of, my life and and and attending to the 12 steps too. Yeah. You know, this CPE is a magical place by any means. It's a starting place. That's true. As as you and I have said so often to take us to the end of the beginning. That's right. Not the beginning to the end. You know? You're right.

Well, you know, you know, steps, you know, in classic thinking, if you walked up to a person who's unfamiliar with recovery, period, just recovery, and you mentioned the 12 steps, most of them and you've had these conversations as have I Yeah. Will say, yeah. Yeah. That's what, these recovery people do, and there's some kind of rules you follow, and this is what you do, and you do this somehow. No. You don't drink anymore. Yeah. You know, they kinda relegate it just to that. But, you know, we are people will say, well, are y'all 12 step based? And I'll say, well, yes and a whole lot more. Yeah. Not necessarily meaning more outside the step. They're just more in those steps people ever have. That is a great way to put it.

It it's yes. It's yes and more of the, yeah, fullness of them. And then, you know, those words themselves, I want I want you to talk about this today, of course, with, you know, 12 steps beginning oddly enough with first step. You know, it's we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable. We we won't take every single word one at a time on these things and break them down, but that that statement, that one sentence has more in it. I mean, from from blessed are the poor in spirit to, how scary it is to admit in front of a group of people, what's going on with me. I mean, that's that's a big deal, that first step. The difference between,

failure and actually admission of how we're made, even that one Mhmm. Is a big part of that first step. You know, we talked about, you talk, I remember when I was introduced to the 12 steps, really for myself, began to, say, I need these. I need this. I need that. Uh-huh. I I honestly thought now this is crazy, but I honestly thought that, I could fill them out over the weekend. Oh, yeah. For sure. Kinda like with you know, there's just 12. I'm done with these by Sunday. Move on. I thought it was like maybe I could just fill them out by on paper. Yeah. Express version. Uh-huh. It's a great way to end up having to start again. So Mhmm. Yeah. And then even and guys that are listening to this, CP know this. You know, our goal has never ever been, hey, guys. Twelve weeks, 12 steps, good to go. Yeah. Like, you know, we've done for years, three. We do your first, second, and third step at great depth, and then you you move on from there. You know, without going into the the history of the 12 steps, you know, with Bob Smith, Bill Wilson, the Oxford movement, and even even Bob Smith's reference to, you know, the steps are

have the reference point in in the the big, big book Uh-huh. In terms of Sermon on the Mount and the book of James and so on. Mhmm. But, that that the 12 steps are an incredible structure. They're they're, an amazing, resilient container to pour our hearts into. And that's when you say, yeah. We're 12 step based. Uh-huh. And it sounds like you're saying hesitant, and then we have all these ancillary psychological techniques to go with it that replace it secretly. Uh-huh. No. What we're saying is that the 12 steps are a lot more than most people see them as being. Mhmm. And we wanna open hearts up and pour the hearts into that structure, you know, for Now the difference between house and home kinda thing. For years, that was on our board. Yeah. You know, our our whiteboard in our office, you know, infamous whiteboard. We we help hearts to break open, not like the old boot camp, break it down, boy. But, I mean, the hearts break over the over the badlands. Yeah. And then we we pour those hearts into the mold of those 12 steps Yeah. And then reconcile hearts back. Which requires

the breaking open of the ego, for sure, so the self can be revealed. But, yeah, there is a a breaking open, but the heart the heart behind that ego is already broken. Yeah. There's no need to attempt to break or savage or harm or shame the heart of who this person's already ashamed of. You know? Yeah. The, yeah, the the breakdowns already occurred. Yeah. We don't need to do that. No. So if we were talking in just in terms of, you know, the whole structure of CPE, but the the CPE philosophy, like, how how we're doing what we're doing, spiritual root system and and, you know, feelings, needs, desire, longings, hope. Those things that we do that are that are just kinda marinated all in every day, every word. Like, when you take the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous Mhmm. Just if you would, and you guys can be real familiar to you guys who have who have been with us, but, like, when we do the first step, how do we integrate

all what I just said in that? The first the first real first step starts with, you know, that we talked about a person needs to do a good solid timeline Uh-huh. To start to because most of us have forgotten we might enlist the chronology of our lives, but what we were doing in that chronology is Mhmm. Sort of we dissociate from it, dismiss it in denial about it. So, we do a timeline to attend to where I was when I was where I was. Yeah. What was my life like at that time, and what was I doing, and what happened? You know? Because we're always working towards where I where I was, what's happened, what has happened, and where I am now. And, and, hopefully, that's gonna create, you know, the hope of hope of a future and a future. But, after the timeline, we move into the the core, solid, legitimate, true, traditional first step. But in that first step, what's happening is that persons through that timeline has has begin to begun to grow in terms of a feeling awareness of what my experience was, in the time that I'm recording powerlessness and unmanageability. So that when they start talking about issues of powerlessness, stories of unmanageability, telling the truth about where they were, we're also attending to, and where was your heart at that time, and where were you in terms of emotionally and spiritually? Where were you in terms of needs? How were you running from yourself at that time? Because ultimately, and this is ultimately, if you don't have the disease of addiction arrested, if there's not real genuine absence, you can't do the true first step. That's right. See, because there's a first step after the first step. Mhmm. And I think the real first step is when we come to a place of admitting powerlessness over how we're made. I mean, there was in the beginning, when we were born, we were actually born powerless. We were born powerless over how we're made to be connected relationally, how we're made and what we're made to bring to those relationships or feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope. And we know that a lot as life goes on, we sort of those things are suppressed or we're in denial about them. We dissociate from how we're made. So that first step over with alcohol or whatever that addiction is makes room for us beginning to start to step into admission, then surrender, and acceptance of how we're made. We are emotional and spiritual creatures created to do one thing in life and live fully. Addiction is a counterfeit attempt to have the full life we're made to have. It's not a badness. It's something that ends up bad trying to get something good. And so, you and I are emotional, spiritual creatures created to live fully, but by the way we're birthed, we can't live fully unless we're living fully in relationship. So that first step is an introduction to a a gigantic life. It is so much bigger than alcohol. It is a daily experience of anyone, anywhere, from, kings to paupers to, you know it doesn't matter. It's a it's international experience to wake up every day and emit powerlessness over life. And at the same time, we need to know who does have power, so to speak, who is in control if I'm not. And while at the same time, we learn how to make our human choices within the context of what empowerment we do have. And our ultimate empowerment is a capacity to care. I mean, care so much that Uh-huh. I care so much that I'm willing to feel this, sacrifice that, offer this, risk that, have courage for that. I care so much that, you know, I'm willing to, show my cards, which means show my heart. Stand in it. Stay in it. And that's what every single child we once were needed. So that first step, as crazy as it sounds, is an introduction even to parenting. It really is. Introduction to marriage. Uh-huh. Introduction to living with God. It's an introduction to how to work. It's an introduction to, believe it or not, stress reduction in so many ways. What's the other steps, sir? Mhmm. But remember, I do remember that that first step is nothing but admission. Oh. It's the great awakening. Man, a lot. And it's the ultimate defeat because I don't know what's coming next. Yes. You know? Yes. But it is not a statement of failure. True. It is a statement of never having been able to succeed with how I'm born.

You know, yes. If if we had a dollar for every time we've heard this, we've talked about it over and over again. Some of you guys listening to this are probably gonna chuckle remembering saying this to me or Chip or somebody else. But, Chip, what in the world is the difference between powerlessness and helplessness? Oh, gosh. Yeah. That question. That is a that's a great question. I tell you, I think that, you know, you and I in our histories, I mean, we came to a need for recovery because of our terror of helplessness. If we wanna boil it down and just take it back and back and back, I mean, that's not to attempt to escape what was done and, you know, what we where we were. But, helplessness literally is, having no help. And so and what it means is it's like floating out in the middle of the ocean, and no matter what is gonna happen, no help's coming. That's helplessness. And I've asked guys for years to say, but what do you tell yourself even after I describe this? No boat's coming, no helicopter's coming, nobody's looking for you. You know, no plankton's gonna come by when you float on it to some destination, and, I mean, no poor power gonna come by and carry off. No Jonah's whale is not gonna swallow you and spit you out somewhere because you, you know,

admit sin or something. I need you to go to Nineveh so bad. Exactly. So, I mean, I say to you, so what's gonna happen? They know realistically, say, I'm gonna die. Mhmm. I said, and what else? What what is your what is that thing in you that is even more powerful than helplessness? And they go every one of them says, well, there's kind of an outside chance in there that you know, like, dumb and dumber? Uh-huh. The guy says, so you got a one a million a chance of dating that girl. He goes, so I've got a chance? Remember? So helplessness literally is the conflict between the hope we're born with that is more powerful than being able to see ourselves as completely alone. Mhmm. And so we become addicts directly connected to that despondency around hope. Mhmm. I mean, the child can't stop hoping, but every time that child hopes, it's like their their their their hearts are handed back to them with a sort of return to sender, you know, written on the envelope. And so, you know, because we're made to survive, hope ends up becoming impaired too. It translates into what do I have to do to get through? What do I have to give? What do I have to offer? Who do I have to please? Who do I have to caretake? And because we're not made to live in relationship with having to pay so much Mhmm. We become resentful. And then we find a a a relationship that works, And it it it makes us feel better. It's a way of having control over helplessness. Yes. And so when we when we, become helpless, we also throw throw away the gift of powerlessness. The helplessness and powerlessness become synonymous. They literally powerlessness is defeat, helplessness is death, and they're both terrible. Instead of powerlessness is an introduction to receiving the help Mhmm. That's always available to us. And that that is ends up being amazing. I mean, I used to think of myself, Chip, you're gonna try really hard, but you're always gonna fail. And no matter what you do, you're sort of doomed and cursed to, you know, work hard and and and but never be loved, basically, is what it comes down to. And to experience myself as loved, was, an overwhelming thing, and it rendered me powerless. But in that love was all my help. I was powerless over that which I was made to receive because I can't pay for it. Mhmm. I can't earn it. It's always grace filled. It's always merciful. It's always in spite of the things I'll do that will harm love. All of which is so terrifying

Yeah. To a person in addiction. And All of that. Even not even known. I mean, everything I just said in our early days, you remember we we might understand that conceptually, like, if you're some kind of theologian or if you, you know, you've you've been studying love or something like that. You you might grasp it conceptually but not experienced it. That's right. But it's it's just like a foreign language. Yeah. It really is. So, you know, you've said it before. You said it earlier in the in the podcast. Like, folks like us, addicts Yeah. Thank thank the Lord in recovery now, but, you know, we're not crazy. We're certainly not stupid. It's like you expect me No. To give up this magical place I've called away. You said you said we're not stupid.

Right? Is that what you said? In theory. No. We're not stupid. We're not stupid. No. We're not. No. You're not. Well Yeah. Yeah. I mean Okay. No. I'm not. Okay. Well, I'm not. You. You know, this the but it's no wonder, I fought. We have we have fought actually for it feels like fighting against. We've actually fought for hundreds of men clinging to this illusion, delusion of, hey. I may be I may be floating in the ocean, but, you know, I can there's a way I can get away from this. And you're saying this first step says, no. You can't No. It's a lie. Really a thing called grace, but it is terrifying Yeah. To give that up. Yes. Yeah. The first step is actually the, the, beginnings of gratitude. I mean, but it it sure doesn't come come across like that, does it? No. It does not. Uh-huh. Well,

start wrapping up here. This this first step thing, you know, guy guys who have done their first step with us, and I know other people too, that first step opens up a world that I have been terrified of forever. Excuse something before you wrap up. Alright. You you're good. You're really good at wrapping up. But, do you do a first step every morning? For sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So, I mean, there it is. Yeah. And and and and, well, you and I have talked numerous times. The first step, our first step every day, is long past where it started. Mhmm. And it's like, you know, I admit that I'm powerless over life. Yeah. And and and that, you know, when I try to control it, when it comes right down to it, it's gonna become more and more unmanageable. Mhmm. You know? And, so from that context, I guess we do learn from, egotism and its limits. Frankly put, its failures, because ego harms easing God out and ego. It just harms. So first step's a thing that, I recommend for everybody every day. Right away. Yeah. Everybody every day. Right away. Yeah.

Let's end there. Yeah. Hey, thank y'all. Hey, thanks for listening. Appreciate it. See you later soon. Thank you.