Step 3 - Made a Decision

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

You're listening to the Sage Hill podcast on addiction with Dr. Chip Dodd and Phil Herndon. This is a new weekly podcast recorded at the Center for Professional Excellence. Hey, everybody. Welcome back in to the Sage Hill podcast. This is, Phil Herndon with, my friend, Chip Dodd. My friend my friend, Chip Dodd. That's right. Hey, Chip. Hey, Phil. We're back in the, I guess you'd say studio. Hey, Phil. Hey, big Chip. Hey, Vic. Hey, we're back in our, do we call this a studio? Is this a studio? Yeah. At your office? It's not a studio. I mean, it's an office. About you know, a few minutes from now, I'll be in the office again. Okay. In our studio, welcoming you back in. Sure appreciate you listening, and we had started a series a while back, that I think are coming out now on the steps, Chip. The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, specifically. And, we've done podcasts on the first two. The first one about powerlessness and the second one all about insanity and the restoration that God provides. I want to start with reading what the third step actually says and then a couple of things. I don't want you to turn loose to talk about the underpinnings of the thing. The step reads this way: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. And, so, you know, coming out of this step where we go to the storehouse, you know, to get restored, to get the fragments all put back together to Santa's, to wholeness, and, which, of course, opens the gate to this, this whole idea of making a decision to, do these things under the care of God. So take off on that a little bit, knowing that it's kinda headed toward a fourth step where we start making an inventory, which we'll cover a little bit later. Yeah. Let's let's,

interview each other on this one too. But, you know, you talked about the the the 12 steps going backwards just a little bit. I mean, we come to a place in the very beginning that we admit that we're actually powerless over something. And, you know, ultimately, that powerlessness over alcohol or drugs or or, you know, some process addiction. What we're also really admitting is that we're kind of awakening to admitting that we're powerless over life, the future, and that through running from that and finding some other way to, get away from, life on life's terms, we end up coming to a place of being very disconnected in terms of disconnected from how we're created. And, you and I talked for years, and science is is is really backing up something that's very ancient, but that we as human beings really feel we're really and truly we're we're truly created as emotional and spiritual creatures. I mean, it's it's like it's it's really, you know, like, once something becomes a scientific fact, it's it's true. You're right. But it's almost like science has, finally done enough research to sort of back up what what has always been something we've had to deal with ourselves, others, and God. You know? And so in so many ways that, addiction is a disconnection from admitting neediness or admitting powerlessness or having to surrender to how we're created to be connected in relationship. Yeah. So when we do our first step, it's really opening a door to a bigger world or even to a bigger house. It's a door into a mansion possibly. And so we admit powerlessness over life, and we realize that when we try to have power over it, we become insane. And that insane means we're not whole, and, really, we're not we don't know how to live integrated. We don't know how to live congruently, and we don't know how to make choices that advance our integrity or our congruence or our relational abilities. Right? Mhmm. So that first step is a magnificent, defeat. Defeat of grandiosity, defeat of, really insanity for anybody to think they can have power over life and escape having to be connected as we're created. You know? So addiction is is a second best choice. Right. The second best outcome and the second best, really, way of way of of trying to find a life without having to pay the price of feeling fully. Mhmm. Then the second step after admission takes us to surrender, which which you and I both know means render over. It means to give back. Mhmm. It means turn back over, which and implies something that we took something. We stole something. Right? It's almost like that Indiana Jones movie from years ago. I don't remember which one it was, but he reaches up, and he takes this this, giant jewel off of some altar Uh-huh. And runs off with it. As soon as he starts running, all these traps click, go, make, and he's just running for his life like crazy. And so surrender really means to give back the treasure that we took away and tried to vowed as a way to to do it on our own without having to be in need again. So the second step is is is to me is giving back over to something other than ourselves, I call God, giving back over to something other than ourselves, which means beginning to need again and trusting some other process besides our own best thinking, which made us sick. And that's a that's another defeat. That not only am I admitting powerlessness, but I'm surrendering to the reality that my needs are greater than I can meet alone, and I can't do life by myself. Do you agree with that? Sure. Yeah. So the first and second step really begin to address the four realities of living that clumsy is as good as we're ever gonna get in spite of our striving for perfection, that we have to live life on life's terms, and we don't declare the terms, that it's all about practice more than it's about perfection. You know, we have to practice as parents. We practice as people. We practice as doctors. We practice as lawyers, And then finally, it takes a lifetime to learn how to live it. Well, it's like that's just like one slap after another one to to our grandiosity or pride or self sufficiency. It's like smack. It's like a smell like waking up for a smack down every day. Right? Yeah. So that surrender process introduces us to the pathway of wholeness. It means becoming ourselves. Change has occurred in our lives through our admission, and then we start to become who we're made to be. The third step, which I know we're a long long way to get there, but the third step really is the ultimate facing that we are created as emotional and spiritual creatures, and we're created to live fully, and we do so in relationship with ourselves, others, and god. So the third step is the movement towards gaining security of trust and then confidence in what we trust. Mhmm. I I think it's that that, that beginning movement and of of trusting how we're made, trusting that we are created to live a certain way, trusting that, ultimately, there was some design involved, that there was a pre predesign, so to speak. We were predesigned a certain way and therefore predesigned to connect in a certain way and that there was a designer. And you and I both believe that that if we are created to live fully in relationship, the only way we can live fully in relationship with with something, someone's that are capable of it. So our god of the third step is a relational god Mhmm. In which we can develop into me see. So trust means I can depend upon that, person, place, thing to be something I can rest on, stand on, speak to, depend on, And confidence, it means loyalty with because I've never found anything that worked. When I found something that worked, I started to develop a fidelity with, and confidence implies relationship. Right? Uh-huh. Not just just faith in, but a relationship with. So I think the third step is, introduces us to beginning to trust again, and to beginning to have confidence in what we trust again. Almost like, in new movie Braveheart, William Wallace was trusting Robert de Bruce to show up, and he had confidence that Robert de Bruce would show up because I remember one of his confidants was saying he's not here. He's not here. Robert, William Wallace said, oh, he'll be here. Oh oh, he'll show up. He'll be here. Uh-huh. And it turns out that in that case, his trust and confidence failed. It was, and because the guy didn't show up. Mhmm. So in the third step, we're giving ourselves to a process of God as we understand him, giving ourselves to the possibility that that because we have to have something that will always show up to trust and have confidence in that it better be God, and we're learning that that is so. Yeah. So, yeah, that's, to me, kind of a beginning. So that takes us to acceptance, and acceptance means that we come to a place where we have to face life on life's terms. It's not gonna be how we picture. It's not always gonna take give us what we want, but then we start to believe it'll always give us what we need. And, that acceptance means that that it's it it there's gonna be grief involved, struggle involved, pain involved, questions involved, insecurity involved, and yet we always have a place to turn to say, you'll be here. You're here. You're here. And we need people to teach us that. We need to to pour events and circumstances of our lives through the third step. We need to pray and meditate to stay in contact with the third step, because as life turns out differently than way we wish, we need acceptance of a process and that and somebody who owns the process to depend upon to live well. Mhmm. And prepare to have the security to admit more deeply how human we are in the fourth step, as you mentioned. So that's a lot. I know maybe too much, but, you know, pick it up, Phil.

I was just thinking, you know, neuroscience is proving, so to speak, you know, the the one of the most taxing things a human can do is to make a decision. One of the reasons we get into what we call ruts is because the brain goes, I don't have to think about this anymore. Just do it. Yeah. And so it's I've I have found my own third step work that remembering back to the insanity is more than just, you know, making me remember my pain and doing something different. But it's hard work to make a decision daily. Mhmm. And remembering the insanity and knowing that, okay, when I was in charge, insanity reigned. And this is the hard work of making that decision to turn my will and my life over to his care. And the care part was a part, at least in my history, and, you know, turning over to his care, in trust, in confidence, he's gonna show up unlike Robert the Bruce and stuff that you said. That was the scary part for me. It's like to trust that I can all this insanity. Well, you know what? It might have been insane, but it was my insanity. Yeah. So Yeah. Exactly. And it worked. So now to do the hard work of making the decision to open it in my hands instead of keeping my fist closed. Yes. So that that probably that just a little bit maybe. Just maybe in the territory of how how scary it is. And I know a lot of guys in recovery, and, of course, as do you, but, you know, there can become this thing in recovery that says, don't be scared, man. Just march on in. Just turn it all over, all that stuff. So the to me, I think of a third step and the questions, what is your concept of God? What what particular fears do you have about God? What fears do you have about the the the prayer at the end of the third step? Like, that that's a very scary step to take. Look at my insanity. I feel a bunch of shame about it and go, oh, man. I cannot believe I actually did that. First step, like, oh, man. I can make the admission. The third step is where rubber really hits the road on saying, The one thing that that a whole lot of this addiction was about was not trusting anybody outside of me, and this is a step where I say, okay. I'm gonna do that. Like like

like actually telling the truth about facing and handing over this person behind the toxic shame Uh-huh. Behind the secrets, behind the remorse, behind the regrets, behind the numbness that we had to numb ourselves to to keep from facing the harms done to ourselves, others. I mean Yes. It's like who could care about that guy? And especially God who's perfect. I'm pretty sure he's been looking over his glasses at me for a long time. Yeah. Looking at you with Fill in the blank. Yeah. Disdain, judgment, condemnation, disappointment, head shaking Yeah. Tsk tsk tsk, you know, squeezing the bridge of his nose, his glasses in his hands going, oh, you gotta be kidding. And, you know, the the my my dear brother was telling me a a story,

actually last weekend. And, because I think that that, that third step is born, conceived, and birthed into, born and conceived in desperation and birthed in having nowhere else left to go. Uh-huh. It's not like I made some big choice. I just know that there was nowhere else to go ultimately, and it's either either you can do it because I can't, either you will because I won't, and and and you're gonna have to be willing to to be patient with me because this is really scary, so I'm gonna take it back. You know, over and over again. That's how come I think it's so powerful to do it daily. You know what I'm saying? It's Yeah. Daily to remember where where I was, what happened, and where I am now. Oh, yeah. But my brother was telling me a story. He said, you know, this grace thing, he said, it it it's not easily received or, lightly taken for those people who have it or get it. Yeah. He said that this woman that cuts his hair and by the way, he's he has to have a special somebody cuts his hair because he he has almost no Yeah. They they ain't much hair. How hard could it be? They always make fun of me and said, we know you're wearing a wig. Because I I'm the brother that has hair. You know? You know, they used to they used to convince my father that, before he passed away, he said, you know, Chip dyes his hair. And, I went over to his house one time. They'd just been messing with my dad, and dad said, Thay, we said, son. You know, that's kinda looking at me. Oh, I'm scared. What what am I about to hear? Son, you dye your hair. I said, no. I don't dye my hair. I said, John and Phil have been talking to you again.

Yes. They are a lot grayer than you. Has nothing to do with Third Step, actually, but they're a lot grayer. It's just, yeah. And and they as I'm the younger brother, they say, you're the younger brother. Anyway, that's not what we're talking about. Yeah. But, and thank God I have hair. It's God's mercy because I've got about 75 different angles on my big old head. Yeah. That old head wouldn't be well. Feel's heads are perfect for They got great bald heads. Great. I would be Hey. This is a creep. And not to disparage anyone. But Those of you who know Chip, think about that. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Anyway. That's the story. Yeah. Yikes. Anyway, he's he's getting his haircut, and this this lady that does cuts his hair, story is, horror horrifying and horrible and amazing and wonderful and hard to believe. Drug addict, streets, homeless, her and her her and her husband, meth makers. I mean Wow. This story, it it's like it's like they don't even show it on TV because it'd be it's so bad. Nobody would believe it, and the and the outcome's too good for anybody to propose it would Oh, of course. Be real. Too good to be true. Yeah. Had a kid. Kid's 14 now. Jail, probation. I mean, everything you can imagine. Bumped into, the recovery process. Mhmm. And in that, process of moving to second and third step had a spiritual experience. And, absolutely to this day, like, twelve years into recovery, continue to pronounce and celebrate what God has done for her. Mm-mm. The grace she has received, amazing. Still can't shut up about it, and on on another level, needs to keep talking about it. But she has a a a grateful life, a struggling life, a truth telling life, an unabashedly, attracting life, and repulsing to those who don't want to hear about admission to powerlessness, surrender, and acceptance. But, I mean, she can't shut up about Jesus, what God has done for her, her trust and confidence in that. And so amazing if she forgets it, she knows how quickly, and that's true for all of us, can go back to where we came from. That's what I mean. That third step is born of desperation, and I think the worst of us, which means the the most needy, get the best of God. And I think that third step, of course, we're gonna come and go with it, take it back, and give it back, you know, as we struggle to understand what God is doing. Mhmm. But but those of us who do the first step third step, I think we don't ask why so much. We ask god what because ain't that trust and confidence? We just wanna find out what's happening, and we wanna struggle with god. We quit demanding answers from god as much as seeking, what he what God's doing in the process of our lives because we don't have anywhere else to go. And if you're not gonna do it, I gotta go back to where I came from. If I have to go back to where I came from, I'm not alive anymore. That that so where would we to me, the third step is most profound when it's where would I be without this? Do you know? Yeah. So we cling to it. Oh, yeah. And some people would say we cling to it because, we we need a a a a a a a crutch. So that's correct. I'm a man with a limp. Yes. I need a crutch. Triple people need crutches. Yeah. For sure. And, so I can heal, so I can throw the crutch down and run as I've been created to do fully alive in relationship with myself, others, and God. So I I love the third step. To me, it is, the most profound, and it makes everything before that make sense. Because in that third step, we also begin to recognize the dignity of having something done for us in our mission to to have it because God takes garbage and, grinds it into compost, and compost grows things Uh-huh. Us, others, and, allows us to pass it forward. You know, our ugliness can become someone else's beauty. So,

really, if we were to summarize today, I guess, it's like so coming out of that insanity, desperation, trust, confidence. Yeah. And it allows us to live reality with the truth, and the truth is that god is doing for us what we never can do for ourselves and will be with us as we walk the road of reality, believing that the truth trumps a tragedy. For sure. You know, I think it'd be a great kind of a fitting end. Recovery folks out there will will quickly recognize the third step prayer, and it really does capture, I think, or I guess we have captured today what the third step prayer says. Let me just, kind of recite this thing as we kind of start to end today. The third step prayer says, God, I offer myself to You to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Of Your power, Your love, and Your way of life, may I do Your will always. Amen. That's a great prayer.

Yeah, and the only thing I would caution, and I think You would do the same, is that the bondage of self is really the bondage of the shell of the self, or the ego for sure, that prevents the self from being freed. Yeah. But it is, you know, in the Christian world especially, Jesus said it's for the sake of liberty, liberation from bondage, that I've come to set you free to become who I created you to be. So that's a beautiful prayer, so amen to that. And amen to us being here together, man. It's good. For sure. You will always, Lord. Alright. Well, hey, thanks everybody for listening, and we will be back with you soon. Thanks a lot. Thank you all. See you next time.