Heart of Relationships: Parenting

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

This podcast is brought to you by Sage Hill, a social impact organization. Our mission is to help people be who they're made to be so that they can do what they're made to do. Find more resources to live fully, love deeply, and lead well at sagehillresources.com. So the only two things that parents, the people who feed this root system, caregivers, parents and caregivers, the only two things that parents and caregivers really need to do. And there are only two things. This is not big. I want you to know that parenting is very complex in a complex world, but parenting itself is very simple. It's true. You the worst thing you can do is be a perfect parent. And the second worst thing you can do is to be a parent that neglects your children. But the best parent is just good enough. This is the studies of Winnicott and others. Okay? Being just being good enough. Just be a human parent. But the the assignment of the human parent is to do two things, to affirm and confirm. Starting with the two most important needs, the need to belong and the need to matter. This child does this most amazing thing. Hey. I can't help but try to grow out of the soil because I'm a seed planted in the soil, the soil of life. I have my heart that reaches out through my skin to you. And I bring how I'm made to you. I bring my feelings, my needs, my desire for life, belongings, which I'll get to, and the hope of life to you. And I need to hear you say yes to that. Not no boundaries. I mean, yes how you're made. Not okay for you to hit them like that. It's okay for you to cry and at the same time, it's like there's a point at which there's nothing else I can do. I I hold you and now I I you can sit here and just keep crying. It's okay. I'll be back in a little while to check on you. It doesn't mean saying, yes. Yes. I'll make sure you don't have feelings. It's saying yes to your feelings, but it doesn't mean not saying no. It means saying yes to how you're made so that they don't have to turn away from God to be okay. Because when you tell a child that they're not made okay, when they're bringing how God made them to the world, not only do they reject themselves to be accepted. Right? The two most powerful needs, the need to belong and the need to matter. And if you don't accept the child for how the child is made, then the child will reject himself or herself. Got that? Because the need of the parent is greater than the need for the child to have his or her own voice. Because if you're not with me, I'm dead. Real simple. It's not a fault. If you're not with me, I'm dead. So I'll give up me to be with you. The the child who's being burned is wondering what they're doing wrong to make the mother or father do that. Do you all get So, I mean, like, oh my god. That's illogical. No, that's relationship. And then, and then that mother or father said, no, you. You. Me? No. Oh, yeah. You. You. Me? Yeah. You. Me? Me? Really? Me? Yeah. You. Okay. Me. Me. Me. So if I do this, are you okay? If I do that, are you okay? If I do this, are you okay? And that's called a performance driven existence, and you're probably on course to become an Olympic athlete.