Five Common Pitfalls of Leadership

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

You're listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. Sage Hill is a social impact organization that helps people see who they are made to be so they can do what they are made to do. Too often leaders try to get their needs met through their achievement, ambition, and calling. In this podcast, Chip sits down with his longtime friend, Stephen James, to discuss the five common pitfalls in leadership. Chip, in a recent podcast, we talked about that fourth relationship of creativity and service and really engaging our lives with our hearts. And last year, you wrote a blog for satchel counseling website called Five Common Pitfalls of Servant Leaders. We're gonna reissue that that blog on the SAGEO Institute website. But this when we're talking about addiction, this blog came to mind for me because it reminded me of so many ways servant leaders are trying to get their needs met without bringing their heart first. They've turned servant leading or leadership into performance. They've turned parenting into performance. They've turned church work into performance. It ends up it ends up killing them. And you lay out really nicely in this thing five pitfalls that servant leaders fall into, and it's almost progressive. It's like boom boom boom boom. Would you talk about that a little bit? Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to.

Most leaders, many leaders are tragically idealistic, carry around idealisms rather than focusing on on an ideal. What does that mean? What that means is idealistic people are people who are shooting for perfection. And on some level, they mistakenly believe it can be achieved. And so, therefore, today is always tomorrow. And it's because today is the day that you're gonna face the imperfection, that we're always works in progress. That today is the day that no matter how good it gets, there's still gonna be things we've missed and things we haven't completed, and we're not where we want to be yet. Because perfectionists are their their life is in the land of tomorrow. It's almost ambition driven. Yeah. Ambition driven. And idealistic people really cling to the delusion. They actually believe that there's some place that they can get to where life won't happen like it happens. And the best we ever get that you and I have talked about before is humans will always be clumsy. The best we ever get is like giraffes running on ice. No matter how sophisticated, no matter how much scientific advancement we make, we're gonna have sickness. No matter how sophisticated, we're still gonna trip over objects. I mean, just it's life, and it's scary, and it's sad, and it's tough, and it's often tragic, and it's wonderful, and it's joyous, and it's breathtaking, and it's lonely, and it's car crushing, and that's life. So how is the So idealistic. And idealism. Well, idealistic people believe that we can somehow or another come to a place where we get rid of all the things that I just said that you don't want in your life. That the sadness can be eradicated and the loneliness or there's some way to make it stop. And idealist, people who are idealistic are great at promising tomorrow, but they don't know how to help you live in today, really, in a lot of ways. So one of the pitfalls of a leader who is idealistic is that they don't wanna face that the best we ever get is like giraffes running on ice. And also, they also believe in in that there's some place called away. Is there some place we can get to create or build where we're away from the life we have to live in. And the truth is there's no such place as away, but there is a place called RE, you know, replenishment, recovery, restoration, which is a daily experience of facing how tired you are at the end of the day. Anyway, leaders who want to make a better life are extraordinary people, and they do make life better. But the pitfalls that they often fall into that come with perfectionism is that as they often tend to be people pleasers, high achievers, and caregivers. So in in some ways, they don't want to see themselves as having to fail. And no matter how great my vision or even how small my vision, if I have a vision of how life could be and I move towards that vision with passion, I've gotta be willing to lose because no no dream that we're capable of dreaming can ever be accomplished on this earth. Because we carry eternity in our chest. So these leaders are doing the same thing. If they make mistake of believing that somehow that that eternity can be achieved here, they're off track before they've begun in some ways. And these are some of the pitfalls that can affect them. They often end up believing, no matter how they tell themselves cognitively, but emotionally, their achievement or their work becomes their worth. Their moods begin eventually to be attached to the progress.

Like, we've all done that. Right? We've all Mhmm. If I don't get this thing done, I don't accomplish this, then I'm worth less. Yes. Like, I've hooked my ideals or my dreams or my passions to the outcome of this event. Now achievement is an incredible thing. I believe in achievement. I believe in getting But when my worth is tied to the achievement When your worth is tied. Trap. Mhmm. It's a terrible trap. Because we have not been taught and we have forgotten in our society that, you're born with a certain amount of worth. You have this god given worth that you're born with, and this worth is attributed to you even by your parents, even by anyone who's glad you're in the world, to to this little urchin, this little creature who can't do anything or give anything or add anything. I mean, this little baby pees and poops and sings the need song. And people bend over and coo and promise everything in the world to give them because they see them as worth it. And yet in in the economy of life, this child has no worth whatsoever because they can't bring anything to it. They don't give anything to it. So we, somewhere along the line, begin to associate this god given worth with somehow something that goes up or down. I think it's the self esteem school that we've talked about a lot before. And instead of experiencing our worth through the love of others because we're present and the love of God because he cares, we start to experience our worth based upon what people think of us. Kinda like the first addiction is the addiction to people pleasing Yeah. Approval seeking. I think that's gotta be specifically hard

for people who are in servant professions, doctors, pastors, therapists, teachers, moms. Therapists. Yeah. They may I'm Moms, dads. Moms, dads. People who really want good. Stephen, anybody cares about anybody cares. They can lose their worth and their caring. Absolutely. And their attempts to make things okay. And anyone who cares is a leader, Stephen. So this idea that leaders are some special breed of people Just CEO. That are superior to other people is insane. It's not true. It's it's not real. But even our thinking like that proves the fallacy or the mistakes or the setup for the pitfalls because we think of leaders as not us. We think of leaders as them, and we start looking up towards a pedestal of someone who is not really human. That they don't make the same mistakes. Then I'm more ashamed about myself. Every mistake I know I've made. They don't have the same struggles. Yeah. And so we we actually set our leaders up to for to be worshiped, And anyone who believes that their worth isn't god given and solid at birth on some level needs to be worshiped to be okay. In other words, they need to be right. They need to be perfect. They need to be well thought of. They need to be best liked. They need to be competitively, above others to be okay. So the pitfalls, we associate our work with our worth that that my last performance equals how much I matter, and the person will often confuse performance with presence. What does that mean? What that means is that a person sees themselves as loved because of what they do instead of cared about because who they are. A doctor is most valuable at work. If the doctor believes that if he performs well, he'll be most loved. The doctor finds his greatest or her greatest value at work

because the doctor is in command. Well, they're in their competencies too. They're skilled there. Mhmm. They know what they're doing there. And they really can trust that their performance is gonna be good. Exactly. And so when they go home, having a stethoscope and a prescription pad, unless somebody's sick or needs to have their blood pressure or heart check, they're kind of, like, needed for them. Because the children don't say doctor so and so, the children say dad. And the spouse doesn't say doctor so and so, the spouse says sweetheart or Jim or Sarah or whomever. And so So where does their presence go? Their presence is hidden underneath their performance. And the belief is that if if people really know who I am, what I'm like, or that I struggle, that it will it will make them think less of me or it will harm them. Or they'll give them permission to go do things that will harm them. It's just very tragic. And actually, I love doctors and wanna go to doctors who stop for lunch, who who make time to go to lunch. I remember when William was terribly injured with a a facial injury from baseball to he collided with another player. And, we were at the emergency room, and his very, very, very competent, tough female ER doc came in. And I I just just loved her style from the beginning. She was very she didn't waste any time. She made sure things happen. She got things to happen. And after William was settled in, it was, five, 05:15. She said, y'all excuse me. I'll be back in an hour and a half. I'm gonna go work out and eat, and I'll see you guys in a little while. And she left. And I thought, yes. Because I, number one, have a doctor who will tell the truth. Number two, I have a doctor who will take care of herself. And therefore, if her mind is right and she's not hungry and her glucose isn't low and if she's not irritable, restless, and discontent, then she's gonna be fully present with her competencies. She's not gonna be performing and hiding behind her performance. Absolutely. So she went to work out. She came back. I noticed that the bun in her hair was still a little bit wet. And she came back and and started went stepped right into taking care of business. And I called so much courage. I was lost. Away from It was awesome. And it takes courageous people to wish for somebody to be present because I know that a person has great courage to be present. So, I mean, she found the right patient and I found the right doctor. Mhmm. In fact, I called the hospital later just to say how much I appreciated her. Like, I loved her because she went and took care of herself.

Do you know? She didn't confuse her work with her worth. No. She didn't hide her presence and her performance. No. So she's able to show up. Yeah. Yes. And and Which is that third pitfall. If I'm not if I'm doing that Yeah. Then I've got to be if if I'm hiding if I'm trying to achieve to be loved, then I'm hiding my presence behind that, then I'm gonna have to isolate. Isolate is the third movement in the moving towards the fall. Mhmm. Because, ultimately, there's nowhere where I can be myself. For example, the physician I was describing earlier, if he or she isn't comfortable being human, when that person goes home and they need some time to decompress, the children are having needs, if they don't know how to say Children never have needs, especially at 04:00. Exactly. 05:00 or 07:00. Or 08:00. They have lots of needs. Yes. And so the the dad or mom really needs to be able to say need to be able to say, give me thirty minutes. I'll be with you, sweet kids, in just a few minutes. I just need to sit down and think. Or the doctor needs to learn how to go to the gym on the way home or not the bar, but the gym or to to talk to a mentor, a friend, or a sponsor. Phone call the way home. Not an affair. A friend. A same sex friend. Okay? And then when they go home, then they can, be human and hear the name dad, and it doesn't mean should, have to, obligated. They can hear the name sweetheart, and it does not automatically assume that something else I have to do. But the problem is that many leaders are by the time they're married and have kids are already stuck in the idea that I'm gonna work and then somewhere somebody's gonna pay me with adoration for that work I do. And that that doctor will go home looking for the wife to adore and fix the pain of a day that she doesn't even really understand. And she can't fix his pain? She can't fix his pain nor can he fix hers. It's her pain. Right. So what happens is this person has nowhere to go to be himself, to get his or her own needs met. So isolation removed from how I'm made begins to be the only place this person can go

to be at peace. Even like vacation. A little like escape and vacation. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And they believe that unless they're an example, they don't have much worth, and they they don't believe that anybody really wants to know them. So they're being farther and farther removed from how they're made and who they're made to be. Human being who practices a skill, an art, or a competency. And then what happens next is that this person starts to do something to make themselves feel better. A drink here, a flirtation there, a leaning into a sexual, mood alteration experience, losing oneself even in a hobby, buying things and not telling anyone they bought them, spending a great deal of time in fantasy. And fantasies about, like, if people knew I was thinking this, they would not want me in their lives. And and all of that territory is the territory of secrecy. And secrecy requires that a person withhold their emotional truths and their spiritual connection, hunger for connection. And so if I'm in relationship with you and I have secrets, it means I can't be close to you. And so a person isolates to protect themselves But they have to keep secrets about what they're doing. Yes. And then a person More isolated. Collect secrets because Performing more to get their worth. Because remember, the devil always says nobody has to know. And then after we've done what nobody has to know, then the devil says, so to speak, now what if somebody finds out? So now I am literally alone. This leader who was a visionary, who had ideals that were tragically idealistic Really cared. Cares started out with wanting to help, had had helping mixed up with worth in the very beginning, and achievement mixed up with somehow credibility. Suddenly doesn't know how to be human, and they are becoming more isolated, more secretive, more ashamed, more withdrawn, and they literally are splitting apart. Their performance ends up being a caricature or just an actor that they watch, while there's a person sitting inside that's slowly, slowly, slowly fading away. So they become a thing. Yeah. They become a thing. Mhmm. And then, what happens next is they literally see themselves as an object, for which nobody can really care, including them. They can suffer an injury or end up getting sick. They won't pay attention to it. A physician that we treated here, neurologist, in fact, a very, well known neurologist from the East Coast came here, never had, never had one single lawsuit, no suits. The perfect doctor. The perfect the perfect neurologist. A terrible alcoholic. While he was here in his second month beginning with us, we sent him to the dentist and he had 20 from neglect, isolation. You can imagine how many people weren't seeing his smile, weren't seeing in his mouth, so to speak. He literally lived behind the surgical mask. Behind the surgical mask. As a neurologist, perhaps not, but that but he still live he lived behind the the surgical mask. His wife didn't know him. His children didn't know him. And, he worked. And, he became a thing. And so a person loses the capacity to be sensitive to their own motivations and to their own longings and wishes and needs. And, Stephen, this person just simply disappears. And what's amazing about that,

even godly people I'm thinking, like, that's gotta be so true for pastors, like, hiding in the pulpit. And they're a thing. Yes. They're they don't wanna be. And they end up serving the people who demand that they not be human instead of serving the people who desire them to be human. And need another human to serve. Another human to serve. Accursed is the man who depends upon his own flesh, who trusts in in his own strength, whose heart is away from how he's made and how god made him. Jeremiah 17. Yeah. Seventeen five. And cursed means isolated. This is what we're talking about here. And a person can be a god connected person and still wind up living a cursed life. So if I'm if I'm mean well blessed life. I mean well, and I really wanna do good work, but then my identity gets tied up and my worth gets tied up in the work. Solution is becoming human, Stephen.

Blessed is the man. Blessed is the woman who trust in how god made them as human and the god who made them to be in relationship with others and him. This person trust, which means that they're capable of depending, being truthful, asking for help. Back to being a five year old. Back to being a five year old who's grown. In other words, we're never gonna escape our neediness. Our first language, Stephen, was the language of emotions and needs. That language didn't disappear when we became 12. See, but Without our master's degree or our PhD or We lost God to the God of approval seeking. We lost, our capacity for connection to to the addiction of of approval. I mean, I believe our primary addiction, our primary compulsion in in in this world is approval seeking. What will others think? Well, I'll interrupt you because you said before,

which blew my mind the first time I heard you say it, is that it's really not what they think. It's what I think they think is what's driving me. Yes. My idea, my ideal, or my ambition to try to get them to think something that I want them to think about me that I think they're thinking Yes. Is a it is a mind scramble. And once leaders are trapped in their their poll numbers, then they literally are spending their lives trying to change the way they think people think. It's exhausting. Well, and they become controllers. And guess what people do with controllers? Or avoiders. Or avoiders. But they're but they're they're used. They're they're giving their lives to the wrong people. They're really inviting to be you. Please use me. Anyone who would use them doesn't care about them. And anyone who loves them, they won't let themselves be known. It's great tragedy. Mhmm. It's it's heartbreaking. Solution is, honestly, admission of powerlessness over being human. I mean, really and truly to admit that I'm powerless over being human. It's a positive powerlessness. Yeah. And that my life becomes unmanageable when I try to be something other than me. Would call surrender. Yes. Well, actually, the second step of admission is surrender. That I I give back over. Surrender means surrender over. I give back over to god and those who love me the life I was made to have as a human being so that I can be returned to sanity, which means wholeness. Return to being somebody who is a human being, who practices a competency. The competency is something I do. It's not who I am. Who I am is human, which is fully capable of making mistakes. Therefore, I need help from others to make sure I don't make as many, or when I make them, I can correct them, or when I make them, I can say I'm sorry for them. So, like, welcome to welcome to the club of mercy and grace and forgiveness and caring and understanding and a reduction of lawsuits. And, you know, people people are amazingly accepting if they can hear, I'm sorry. However, if you're ensconced in the people who are using you, they need you to make a mistake so they can attack you. If you're ensconced with the group of the people that you're human with and that you've already found that they will accept you as human, they want you to go work out and come back and attend to their son after you're better, like that nurse I mean, that physician ER physician. So and then the third step is to live a life of acceptance of being human. Well, then what that means is it takes a lifetime to learn how to live. No matter how great the vision, it's not going to happen. We do not live in heaven. We live on earth. Beckett said that we live on earth and there's no cure for it. That's not a fatalistic statement. It's a statement of reality in which the truth still has impact. It's an invitation. It's an invitation. And we live in reality, which means life is tragic where the truth has impact. God is faithful. God is here. God is here with us. But remember, God is not the God of of rescuing us from the life we have, but Emmanuel means the God who is with us in the life we have. So leaders need someone to be with them in the life they have so they can be human. And God can do for them what they'll never be able to do for themselves, become gods. God does not need other gods.

This is Stephen James, the executive director of Sage Hill Counseling. Thanks for listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. If you're interested in learning more about how to lead from the heart, I encourage you to join doctor Dodd in one of our upcoming Sage Hill men's therapy intensive that's designed to help leaders reengage their hearts both at work and at home. Visit sagehillworkshops.com to find out more. Further, if you're a therapist, a pastor, or professional that works with people, and you'd like to be better equipped to help people live fully, we invite you to learn more about Sage Hill Training. An in-depth experiential training to help you bring your heart to the work you're called to do. You can visit sagehilltraining.com to find out more.