Christmas Grief

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

You're listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. Sage Hill is a social impact organization that helps people see who they are made to be so they can do what they're made to do. Hey, Chip. Hey, Stephen. Hey, man. You know, thanks. We just got done with Thanksgiving. Yes. Great. Great. Build up with turkey and gravy and cranberry sauce Yeah. Mashed potatoes and Yeah. Deviled eggs And appreciation. Sweet potatoes Gratitude. Pecan pie. Thankfulness. Pumpkin pie. Well, anticipation. Good cup of coffee. Returning to memories again. Oh, it's great. You you know, you're talking about what happens. I'm talk about what's made to be Oh my god. My aunt growing up You know you know, turkey is full of a Tryptophan. Tryptophan, which puts us to sleep. Oh, I love it. Sweets, loaded sweets. Carbohydrates. Carbohydrates, sleep. You know, kids, when we're little, we go, why is everybody asleep? Why are we sleeping? Because we're avoiding talking.

Oh, my my family tells the story of, my uncle, and my family can eat. Eat. Right? Yeah. And so my yeah. Thank you for that looking at my belly disparagingly, with a wink and a nod. My family tells the story of, my my dad, uncles, and, you know, had pigged out on Thanksgiving, like, platters of Thanksgiving food. Yeah. And my uncle was laying in the middle of the living room floor with his pants undone just, like, trying to recover. Uh-huh. Everyone's kinda half asleep. Like a drunk. Like a drunk. Turkey. Yeah. And my cousin who'd been, like, six at that age Oh, no. Comes running in No. Leaps off the couch and lands on the stomach couch. No. My cousin Joe. And it becomes like a a cartoon as legend is. He then he threw up all over the place. Now. It's a mythic. Because I can't help think of

gorging myself on Thanksgiving food and not think of my cousin with that. But, you know, as we as we move away from Thanksgiving, these next few weeks, we're moving into Christmas. Right? Yeah. And Christmas brings with it so much anticipation and so much beauty and just the texture of life changes. Mhmm. You know? There's twinkle lights and smells and Yeah. And tastes and family. Interaction and dramas. Do you know anytime you see more and more people put the the lights up now on their their, back porches and Mhmm. And and, what's the weekends ago doing all that. Yeah. With arbors and so yeah. And when we squint our eyes, you know, there's magic there. Oh, man. You see a restaurant that has those lights, it's like there's something magical happening there. So let's go there. It's probably

the most, in a calendar year, the most sensual time of the year. Yeah. Well said. And, you know, there's a very wise man that told me one time, he said, do you know about the middle of October when the harvest has come in, so to speak, and so there's a rhythm in in us as humans. He said that a doorway to the soul opens up in the right brain. And from then until about tax time, there is an anticipation and the window into the heart of who you are, your longings, your wishes, your hope that things can be different than they have been or can return to what they were once like, that there's this window of time that we it's gonna happen, and we're it's we're gonna make it. And then and everything that was sad and everything that hurt and everything that was lonely will go away this time of year, this year. So we get together at Thanksgiving, and a great Thanksgiving, and there really is also, a great opportunity to avoid everything that also is difficult in life. And there really is a loading up on food and talking about the food and then continuing to talk about the content of the experience instead of the the relationships in it. So I believe that the best Christmases are the Christmases that also before they we get there, we're willing to, give ourselves to the losses related to our lives that I say joy of Christmas comes through the grieving of what has been before. And I think that Christmas is actually a time of grief to anticipate the morning coming. It's the darkness before the dawn. It's the what what I was anticipating that never has happened.

It hasn't taken me away from wishing it would. It's the star in the middle of the night. It's the star of the darkness. Yes. In fact, if we listen to, what Christians believe remember, Christmas really is the mass of Christ. I mean, it is a Christ mass. It is a time, the advent, the coming of of, peace on earth and goodwill towards men. And even in commercials, we'll see, you know, the the there's a commercial where the two warring warring sides in World War one stop. And whether it's true or not, who knows? But who can who can who cannot watch that and wish that war would stop? Yeah. For a moment. And no. And and and, you know, on Christmas day, a lot of times in in during wars, it's like, look. Today, we don't kill each other. It's sort of an understood just for a little while, just for twenty four hours, let the bloodletting stop, let the factions end, let let the killing end, let the hatred stop just for a little while in the mass of Christ. Mhmm. Because good peace on earth and goodwill towards men, frankly put, isn't here fully. And yet the opportunity to experience it emotionally and spiritually is and relationally. The world's not going to change, but we can change in the midst of the world and make a difference. You're talking about

is got a depth to it and a heaviness, like a like a weighty heaviness to it Uh-huh. Significance to it that, the frivolity of school plays, church pageants, family get togethers doesn't I mean, I know I'm thinking of my my life. I don't I don't know as of yet that I've stopped to really consider what you just said. Like, I'm kind of of a loss for words right here. But you know what yeah. The these And how true how true it is. Yeah. But how it's been right right under my nose. I'm not Well, as as we get to this frivolity, which I really appreciate, and that frivolity can also come from gratitude. Like, we have this great life in spite of what our losses are, and Christ has given us the opportunity to have this great life in a place where sadness reigns. And in the in the midst of sadness reign, there's a king who brings light into the darkness, who brings creation itself into destruction, who brings hope into despair, who brings courage in the face of that which we're not really made to have death even, you know. Yeah. But I mean, even even look at, there's some beautiful songs that represent the grief of Christmas and bring us to the gratitude of what we as humans have. It says, the the the most I think one of my favorite Christmas, songs, hymns is, oh, holy night. It says, the the long lay the world in in sin and arrow pining, which means longing for a difference until he came. And then it goes, you know, until he came.

Oh, holy night. The world has been waiting for a long time. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And our hearts daily, if we let ourselves live emotionally and spiritually and caring. It increases empathy to to to long, like, because the person next to you is doing the same thing. It's like and telling the truth about it makes us less lonely in the midst of it and not alone. But you remember the the beautiful song that Jill Phillips does? You know? Mary, did you know? Yeah. No. Oh, she does the, the labor of love. Oh, yeah. And it says that, you know, it was it was it was, not a silent night. There was blood on the ground. You could hear a a woman cry in an in an alley. Mid Crosstown. Mid Crosstown. God, it's a good song. It's a it's an incredible song. And and the the the husband was praying, how could this be? And the the the the daughter was away from her mother. Mhmm. And A girl. Like a young girl. Right. Around animals. And the and, you know, I grew up, you know, kinda like quasi on a farm, so to speak. And we'd feed the cattle in the wintertime, especially, they're they come in to feed. And it's the smell of urine and hay and feed and just all the smell of, like, living. I mean, just it's organic. It has its own, you know, life smell, but it's like who wants to have a baby in that? Yeah. And if Mary was, knowledgeable I mean, there's a prophecy about Mary says that, you know, he will be the savior, but he but his life will pierce your very soul. Yeah. So if she was aware, I know there's the Catholic belief of Mary and the Protestant belief of Mary. But if she was aware of who he was even through some prophecy, then she was holding death in her hands when he was born. So and the the song even says there was no no midwife. And if she knew who he was, she also knew that the the child that she had delivered, remember that other song, would soon deliver her. Yeah. That's like the and and it's just she had this baby who was the king of the world and the king of the universe in her arms, who was born to die for the one who held her held him. Yeah. And then you know that she was in great conflict later on because, like, if she didn't know who he was, she tried to stop him. She remember she the disciples went in while Jesus was talking somewhere and said, your mama wants you to come home. Your mama and brothers Family at the door. Yeah. Because we we we think you're crazy and you need to come home. And he said, you're not my family. So what a what a heartbreak there. And then in the movie, The Passion, you see Mary come to Jesus when he collapsed. And and just like like, this can't be happening. Like, no. You know, my son, my son. I don't want this to be. Please, oh, God, no. Don't let it take my son. And so Christmas is a time of year in which we recognize that God so loved us and and god's creation itself that he gave a child to us to grow up like us, even breaking his mother's heart on the moment he was born, in a place she didn't wanna be, with a man she barely knew. To a people that didn't really want To a people that didn't want him and didn't want her. I mean, it's like, what an amazing sight. And then the the people that come to see him first are shepherds. The they were they're like, shepherds were not considered. They were, like, low class. Yeah. But they followed a star. They couldn't see they couldn't stop wishing and believing. The wise end of the story. And, you know, Christmas, if you came from a place where Christmas was really, you know, lights and and and brightness and candy and nuts and, you know, you don't live there anymore. You grew up and started paying bills. And, you know, now it's like you you Christmas is wonderful and and beautiful, and at the same time, the price we pay to have it, is, often high Because you don't live where you used to where it was all magical, you live in real life where you have to pay for what you buy. And then And work for that. Yeah. And then a lot of people, come from places in which Christmas is something they really wanna skate on top of, sort of like a water bug. Because Christmas is a time where they had hoped in such great ways, and then that which they hope for never came.

It's also time for some people where their hopes about the future, whether it is to have a spouse or have children or Yeah. To be part of a family Yeah. Is the most evident that they don't have their dreams. Yeah. So you know what? Christmas really is, I believe more than anything else, a time for us to face the pain of caring. Wow. And and god so cared that he gave us a child. Emmanuel. Is born. God with us in the midst of this. And guarantee that we can be okay, but what it cost for us to be okay? It but not a child to take away our pain. A child who wouldn't be in pain alone. A child who was willing to be in pain. Be in pain with us. And even to let the mama be in pain and the daddy be in pain for something greater than pain. So Jesus, at Christmas brought us a passion so great that he was willing to go to any length to have those who walked in the darkness have a light. I mean, remember, we talk about so much about passion, but Jesus, he grew up in, you know, wisdom, stature for the Lord, but he grew up continuing in his passion, a willingness to be in pain for something that mattered more than pain. And Mary was willing to be in pain for something that mattered more than pain. And Joseph was willing to be in pain for something that mattered more than pain. And what matters more than pain is love. And so Christmas is a time of caring and love. And it's the face that, you know what? Guess what? The poor are still poor. The forgotten are still forgotten, and the solution is impossible. And we can make a lot of lists, and we can run from a lot of things through our lists, or we can face what our lists are for. They're to bring us to Christmas day, not to get us past Christmas day. So the list of of love, like how will I love, How will I meet the poor? How will I remember forgot the forgotten? How will I dare to hope that this relationship this year will be better than it's ever been? How do I hold my sons or daughters who are coming home for a little while and leaving again? How do I, you know and the list goes on and on. That's the Christmas list.

How do I How do I do myself love? Spend the day with that parent who I don't really know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe this year, I will say, I love you. Maybe that person you haven't hugged in a long time, you will hug them and they may not get it and they may not hug back, or they may hug you back and words don't get spoken, or you hug them and words do get spoken and they come with tears, or nothing happens at all, or you decide not to do that this year. But but Christmas is a time of caring and love and courage. And the hope is that just like Jesus was born and grew and gave it all, that Christmas becomes an invitation for a new year A new hope. Not a resolution Yeah. Which we break, but a a way of living, with list that make life over with, no. List that we complete as a way to love more, care more Mhmm. And live in the passion we're made to have. So gratitude to Christmas, man. I'm looking forward to it. I like it this year. I love our lights. I put the Christmas tree up. Do I do white lights or colored lights? White. Yeah. We're white. Yeah. I you know, but I like the colored ones too. I love those colors. I did color lights on the treehouse.

Mhmm. We'll need to do a podcast on the treehouse. Oh. But, I get color lights on the treehouse, and I have color lights on the tree downstairs with a little tree. Let me ask you something. I'm a white light guy, but I like a little bit of touch of color. You see, colored lights are like kid lights. Right? Or redneck lights. Yeah. Oh, see, that's no I just said I got them. I love them. Yeah. But you put them on. Okay. But let me ask you this. Tell me how come you put those lights on that tree house? I wanted to look out my back because I can't see the lights on my house. Right? I got that. I'm inside my house. Yes. I wanted to look out my back window and see Christmas lights. And that that treehouse I'm coming to see for me represents a kind of a piece of my own childhood, maybe. Yeah. And I wanted to decorate that a little bit. So tell me, what what for?

What did you wanna decorate your treehouse that represents your childhood? You know? What'd you do that for? Yeah. What are you remembering when you look at it? You know? Yeah. I know from my family, Christmas Day was one of the only days all year where we were all together. Like, all four of us were in the same space for a long period of time and chose to be there. Yeah. You know? Yeah. As opposed to trapped in the car, going on a trip, or and we chose to be with each other. I don't know that. You you could possibly say you decorated your treehouse that you built. I mean, you built it. And you you said your kids don't go in it. No. I go home. So you built yourself a tree house and you decor you go out and you decorate for the holiday and you look at it from the home you live in, you look into the distance of a childhood to manhood, and you remember the day that y'all are all together like family. Yeah. So it's a sad thing. Oh, it's so sad. And then you have gratitude. Yes. That that that's what we're talking about. That's what this whole thing so this isn't a downer, but you have gratitude. Yeah. But you paid a price for it. Yeah. But you were willing to. To. You went out and did Christmas lights around this thing. It's hilarious. Yeah. It's like, who goes and does that? Only only a a a person with the heart of a child and the courage of a man? I mean, like, it's awesome. I love that. Thank you for doing that. Yeah. See you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you, Steve.

This is Stephen James, the executive director of Sage Hill Counseling. Thanks for listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, anxiety, depression, or burnout, please reach out to the Center for Professional Excellence for Health. For more than twenty years, CBE's long term residential treatment programs have been helping professional men recover their lives, marriages, and families. To find out more, visit cpenashville.com.