Giraffes on Ice, Part 1: Affirm and Confirm

Transcript of a Sage Hill Live Fully Podcast conversation with Dr. Chip Dodd. Lightly edited for readability; speaker labels omitted.

You're listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. Sage Hill is a social impact organization that helps people see who they are made to be so they can do what they're made to do. This title, Drafts on Ice. Steve and I were talking one day and I said, you know, the best we ever get, the best human beings ever get is clumsy. We really like, whether we like it or not, like giraffes running on ice. So that picture has so many contradictions in it. Giraffes and ice, one thing. You think of giraffes in terms of the hot weather in the tropics or the, you know, Sahara, Kowak, you know, Africa. And so and the idea of something tall and gangly running on ice is guaranteed to be a series of knots and and necks and knot and and legs and necks and knots that it's gonna turn into a terrible collapse. So and I'm saying to you and to me that the best we ever get in this life is clumsy. Supporting what DW Winnicott talked about, who was a psychiatrist that it it emphasized, worked in parenting most of his career with children. He said that a child is actually not looking for a perfect parent and suddenly doesn't want a bad parent. The child is looking for a good enough parent. In other words and and this is chopping when it caught up some, but looking for a parent who can tolerate relationship, who can stay human and let the other person become human too. I've I've done this whether it's in treatment or in the therapeutic process or the way I conduct my life, the way I've raised our children for better or worse. But it was certainly good enough because it ruined lots of room for forgiveness and lots of room for celebration. But you and I are created as this is the big sentence if you ever wanna write this down. And this is that you and I are created as emotional and spiritual creatures. And we're created to do one thing in this life and only one thing. We're here to live fully. Saint Irenaeus said that a human being fully alive is God glorified. So this doesn't go on any level against Christianity. But I want you to know when we talk about the second chapter that everything that has life in it is reaching for one thing. Everything that carries the heartbeat of life, grass, trees, animals, us is reaching for the same thing in their own coded way. Everything is reaching to experience its fullness, its completion. It's it's living fully. The grass does it. People do it. Possums do it. Pecan trees do it. So we're made like that. But human beings are only fully alive when they're living fully in relationship with ourselves, others, and God. It's just astounding. And in fact, I was just looking at a review someone did for me some years ago because I'd said something. He went and and went and confirmed it. I said that in scripture, the word heart, hearted, hearts, and, hearten is used at least a thousand times. And the word mind, m I n d, and they knew what that was, is only used about a 125 to 50 times. The word spirit, little s spirit, and the little s soul is only used about 700 times. So the preponderance of emphasis in scripture that God's talking about in reference to us is the heart. And the words that go along with heart are referred to heart, sadness, anger, loss, stand firm, encourage, discourage. I delight over you with singing and and and I quiet you with my love as an expression heart. From child, God's described as a almost like a mother singing a lullaby in Zephaniah three seventeen. So you and I are created as emotional and spiritual creatures created to do one thing in life and to live fully. But the way we're made, we can't live fully unless we're living fully in relationship with ourselves, which means my brain is being used to express my heart. And almost none of us in here were raised to keep that, to continue that, or to persevere in that. We became cognitive creatures that used our cognitions to hide our hearts and using our thought process to express our hearts. So we're created to live fully in relationship with myself, others, and God. And that ends up creating the the the fullness of life that allows us to step out and do things in the world that end up end end up benefiting the world. K? So and as emotional spiritual creatures, we are created with what I call a spiritual root system. Human beings are created just like look at Psalm one. You look at, Jeremiah 17, seven. And it says, blessed is the person whose confidence is in the Lord, who trust in the Lord. That person will be like a tree. Its roots go out into the waters. And even when he comes, the leaves will still let's see. And when heat comes, the leaves will still, be green. When drought comes, the tree will still bear fruit. So there are no worries and no fears because they have the sustaining capacity to persevere. The roots of the human being, the roots of the heart, this is a picture of the heart, this is the ground, these are roots, the spiritual root system, we have feelings, we have needs, we have desire, we have longings, and we have hope. These five characteristics make up the emotional and spiritual characteristics of the human being. Everything else added on to this is thought, actions or behaviors, physiological responses, environmental influences. All of these things are made to express these things. When a child is born, the child cannot help but do exactly what he or she is made to do. Just like you plant a a a butter bean in the ground, it does exactly what it's made to do. The temperature hits right, a little water hits, it it breaks open and sends itself up from the roots up into the the the to this connection with the world with the intention of making more butter beans to fulfill itself. So human beings are created with the need to belong and to matter, and they cannot meet this need by themselves. So this child cannot help but use his or her feelings, needs, desire, longings, and hope to reach beyond their skin to connect with that which is going to allow them to join and grow, to grow from the inside out. The two major needs to respond to the child's need to belong and matter. The need to belong is to be accepted as I am, as I'm created. This is the need to belong. And the need to matter is to be valued for what I bring to the relationship. K? So if I am affirmed and confirmed, my need to belong and my need to matter will be met. Affirmed means somebody saying, yes, you're made just right, and confirmed is a double yes. It's like, heck yes or yes, yes, you're made just right. In other words, we don't need to hear it once. We need to hear it the rest of our lives. Now negative imprints are more powerful than positive imprints because negative imprints are painful and pleasure isn't. Pleasure is expected and considered to be part of living. The shock is when the negative occurs. So negative experiences have more imprint upon us than positive experiences because negative experiences are painful, And we don't believe that we're made to live in pain. And frankly put, I don't think we actually were started out that way. In fact, we're made to live in the promise and we decided not to do so. So this is called the spiritual root system. This is what we're made to live like. We're made to reach out from the inside out, and the only way we'll find fulfillment is through connection, through relationship, through intimacy. And we're made to belong and matter. These needs are more powerful, frankly put. I won't get into it right now, but they're more powerful than food, water, shelter, and clothing. I will spend my whole life looking for these things, and there's nothing else we'll substitute. No alcohol, no power, no money, no multiple experiences of fame. I can't run from it, get away from it. This is like this is the unalienable birthplace of a human being. Can't prostitute it, can't sell it, can't give it away. Nobody can take it from you. It's ours to live and have to live. So either you live it as you're created, you'll use your brain to express your heart, or you'll start using your brain to hide your heart and attempting to bury your roots, which becomes later on a thing called impairment. In other words, you're running from clumsiness, you're running from being known, and you're running from having to be vulnerable to experience love and life and give yourself to somebody else. That's good. That's really good. And this is so important.

This affirm and confirm that even Jesus, when he's about to start his ministry and about to move into the world, goes and gets baptized by John and goes into the water and comes up. And the voice from heaven says, this is my son with whom I'm well pleased. Right? He is mine, and I really like him. Right? Like, this is so important. And I don't think God was just modeling that for us. It's like, I'm gonna be this benevolent parent up in the sky that's gonna teach you all how to parent. I think God is so relational, and we're creating his image as relational beings. And Jesus being God and man is so relational that God knew that relationship trumps teaching. Right? And that God was relating with his people and relating with his son in that moment in a way that we needed to hear and that Jesus needed to hear in his humanity. Right. So this affirmation and confirmation is fundamental. It's so fundamental that some of the research by John Gottman, who's a big marriage researcher, who can accurately produce a divorce by like 90% accuracy by watching a couple talk for seven minutes. Right? And all he codes for is positive and negative interactions. If they nod at each other, if they touch each other, they can be cussing and blessing each other out, but if there's 10 to one positive negative interactions, that couple is likely to stay married. If it's even, if it's fifty fifty positive negative, there's a seventy two percent chance you're gonna be divorced the next five years. Right? And so this positive interaction, this affirmation, is so essential to how humans are made. And you look at some of the work they're doing professional coaching, they're finding out that track athletes who believe that their coach loves them actually run faster than than the, athletes who who don't believe their coach loves them. You know? And so just by inserting love into athletic performance, they're finding that athletes perform better. You know? It's affirmation, and we're made to be affirmed. We're made to be encouraged. That doesn't mean we're made to be coddled. That doesn't mean we're made to be, like, all handed a trophy. Right? Just because we, like, got up that morning. Right? Like, which which a little bit is what's happened in our culture. And and that's a kind of like a, a bastardization of affirmation and confirmation. I'm gonna tell you, Scott, that you did a great job just for, like, not being Scott, but just just trying hard. You know? And some of the truth in life is, hey, Scott. Like, I love you, and that sucked. Right? And I still love you. Like, the number one thing kids need to hear I'm still fired. And you're still yeah. And you're still fired. The number one things kids need to hear before the game, like, and they've done all this research. This this says is they ask kids. Right? What do you want your parents to take for the game? Hey. Have fun. I love watching you play. Have fun. That's what kids want to hear. Then after the game and I grew up with a dad that was a coach. And my he coached my sister. Thankfully, he didn't coach me. I got to and that's why I think I had actually more success in athletics because my sister was a better athlete. She's far better athlete than I was. Her softball team won the world series. Like, she she played shortstop for her high school team as a freshman and batted third. Like, she was really good. But my dad was her coach. Right? So after every game, guess what they talked about? The game. So she quit pitching when she was about 12 because that was terrible. And she quit softball when she was a sophomore. She called home from spring break and said, coach, I'm not coming home. And so my dad showed up at the game. He wasn't her coach at that point. When he showed up at the game to watch my sister play, she wasn't there because she was their buddies at spring break. Because after every game, he didn't say, hey, I loved watching you play. God, did you have fun? Man, did you try hard? Right? Like and my dad really cared about my sister, and he was a really good softball coach. But he didn't get that what his daughter's heart needed was his delight and his presence more than his coaching her performance. You know? He really cared about her and wanted her to achieve all she could achieve in spite of, you know, that. Like, he just put a lot of pressure on himself and her in their relationship. And so she quit this thing she was really great at. The good news is now she plays on her husband's softball team, and she's the ringer. Like and he's in, like, in a rough like, he they do millwork and sale millwork sales and manufactured doors. So it's like a rough softball league. And she walks out, and she's, like, petite. And they're, like, whack. And the ball goes flying over. So it paid off later. But this idea that kids need to be loved and need to be affirmed, need to be praised, it goes a lot further. But you've got to appraise who they are. Actually, who they are. You know? My son, Elijah, 14, if he doesn't become a lawyer, I don't know what he's gonna do because he can argue till the day is long. And he's usually he usually wins. Like, he can beat me in an argument and but he he can line up facts. And he'll even ask you questions. He'll say, hey, dad. Do you like going to, basketball games? Yes, son. I I do like basketball games. Really? I do too. Hey, did you know there's a basketball game coming up? It's a pretty cool game. Do you think? And I'm thinking, oh, he wants to go to basketball game. No. He set me up to help to let me buy a Playstation game later. So it's like, oh, I can't go to the basketball game. Can you get me this Playstation game? It's like, brilliant maneuvers. Brilliant. And so, it it for a long time, it was like my will versus will. We started having this battle of wills, where it's just my power against his power. And I started notes, and I was starting to lose my son. Because it was if I had to beat him emotionally. Right, if I had to win, then he was gonna go underground with his heart, and I was gonna lose him in the process. And so I really had to actually affirm. Hey hey, buddy. You're really good at arguments. Like, you you've won. You've lined up the facts. You've won. You've convinced me and your mother that there's no good reason right now why we can't buy you virtual reality glasses. You've done the research. You've built the facts. There's not good research to support yet that these virtual reality glasses are bad for you, which they're horrible for you. But that they're bad for you. I'm you know, but he'll he's got all this data that lined up. You know? But I've had to affirm you're a really good arguer. But the thing that you don't do, you're putting your way over our relationship. You're put and it's like, when I said that to him, it's like this light bulb went off of, like, oh my gosh. Like, I am like, I'm trying to I care more about what I want about relationship with my dad. You know? And and what what don't take that and then go home and say that to your son. Okay? Because here's here's what, like, humans have been practicing being humans for a long, long, long time. And our brains are really good at one thing, reading BS. And so if you try to tell somebody something to try to manipulate them, their brain's gonna their meter and their brain's gonna go, I don't trust you. And then if it's your child, they're going, woah. Because it's a child's job to try to get one over on the parent. That's what they're trying to do. They're trying to overthrow you. They're trying to get their way. They're trying to push against the structure. They're trying to everything they can do to be, free. And and if we don't meet them with our heart and our genuine like, what's true about us with them, they will begin to use their face to hide their heart. And so if you say that sentence to them and you move towards them, you better mean it, Or you're gonna actually be using heart language to try to manipulate them. And then they're gonna trust you even less. Right? So this so you've gotta start with what do I really what's really going on in me with my child? And what do I really value? What do I really want? You remember, like, fifth grade when I I don't know. I still do notes, but the kids still pass notes. Right? And and the note says, like, I like you. Do you like me? Yes. No. Maybe. That's the question we're all asking. Even as parents, when I go to parent my child, I'm still going, hey. Do do you like me? As a part of me, it's like, do you like me? Like, are we gonna be okay after I parent you? You know? And we know the problems with parents who parents out of, like, I want you to like me. Right? That's a real problem. The other side of, I don't care if you like me, is just enough of a problem. You know? And so our children are looking for that affirmation and confirmation. And we've gotta be honest with ourselves, so are we. And if we don't have places, other people in our life that we go to to talk about what it's like to be a parent, then we're gonna be, really in a dangerous spot with our kids. I'm so fortunate to have been have known Chip for, like, twenty years because I got to watch him and hear about him parenting Tennyson and William. And hear about what's so cool is I got to hear about a man living with his heart pressed into his children's heart and and not letting them move away from that. Right? And I've got to hear I've got to hear I've done it so long. That some of the things he he bragged about or said, listen to how I parented. His sons have come back and said, could you believe you did this to me? And he's like, hey, Chip. I remember when that was like this moment we're celebrating. Yeah. You you parented him well. Right? And then he's come back and go like, you know what Tennyson said to me? And it's like, oh, god. Remember that story. You know? And so if your children can't hate you to their their core, and then tell you about it, and then grieve their guts out with you around it, you don't have their heart. This is Stephen James, the executive director of Sage Hill Counseling. Thanks for listening to the Sage Hill podcast with Dr. Chip Dodd. Sometimes consensus to help couples gain new momentum in their recovery process. If you wanna find out more, please visit sagehillcounseling.com.